mid-hols

You'd think id be updating the blog daily now that im boring my eyeballs out at home... (no wait, thats a hyperbole....though ive lost all ability to sleep sound from lack of activity...). So I try to live it up everyday.. try new things (i was baking somethin new twice a week..n used up all the baking supplies at home that my mum barred me from baking anything 4 the rest of the month..lol.) I think i know that i should be getting a job, n earning some cash while i still have the chance to... Bu getting caught up in the lack of support from mumn'dad+not actually been offered a job after 2 interviews resulted in me weaving a cocoon around me.. n i was too comfy to leave. Yes, its me, the obsessive-compulsive perfectionist talking.... N all this while, im afraid im trying to pull a veil over the guilt of not having anything fruitful goin on during the hols. Delicate this is.... For all i know, i might just regret spending all my time working n still worry im not really living it like i ought to..

Now the results loom close by. Tho i refuse to hype about that...

Im all crossed fingers...N id reach out far, my hands and heart intertwine in prayer. But no, i wont rant out loud for it.

Home

I feverishly miss home now....

The petty details of my life there, of time spent, of moments shared with the people I love the most; Mum, Dad and my (not so) little bro.

The carefree evenings strolling in weekend pasar malams...me walking alongside my mum gingerly holding her hand as she led me through the weeks grocery-shopping, mainly for fresh vegetables, fish and poultry. Those times, large hypermarkets were out of the picture. We were a small family of four with a moderate lifestyle.

Visits to malls on random weekends, window shopping till we're all tired with sore feets omly to end the day with a meal in each others company...usually in silence. Or to the generous humor of my dad who brightens up all our days with his witty jokes, sarcasm and lame (n yet funny) exclaimations. Yes, i miss that the most.

I remember the last time i went home, for my term break...seing my dad for the first time after nearly a month. He looked somewhat older. And it hit me hard....the fact that things will not stay the same for long. The thought that I am dawning adulthood, soon to be responsible of the becoming of the family left me wondering if i was even ready. I still am their little girl....and i still make mistakes. A lot of them...and dissapointment is a painful creature.

Im silently counting down the final 2 weeks...amidst the stress and panic from the upcoming finals..i know i have something to look forward to at the end of it all.

Restless

Channeling out the randomness in me is hard....you never know where to begin...for the rant to be genuine enough. For it to have any cleansing effect....That IS the main idea behind a rant no?

Why do i feel like ive lost sight of myself....living mindlessly. My mind is on a constant buzz.....The radar damaged....and i cant tune in to the real me. We all have those periods no? So how does one find the "reset" button.

For my life...has become so intertwined with that of the people around me....so much that im more in-tuned to the buzz of the outside world than the music of me... Their ideals, styles, point of views. For fear of being judged. But since when did i care?
The sudden pop of the switch within me totally intrigues....when did THAT happen...and how did i allow it to?
But...yea...amidst the worry...i sense calm. Because ive broken from the old damaging pattern i had...the binge...the rushed way of living through my days....

People chase the big things in life, forgetting that life is about the small things

Im paced......albeit with no clear direction. No...i do not beleive that....
The dawn of deepa (light) -excuse me if the usage is inapporpriate
is mine to discover....and time is no factor in its discovery...im getting close.
( damn...i sound corny )

The beggining

It has been long since ive written anything down....on and off blog.. I have been distracted...or at least ive been distracting myself..with petty details..To escape from the real questions...The responsibilities. But....from under the covers,i slowly realise that it isnt possible to hide away..you cant detach yourself from the life you're leading...even when you're now living 6 hours away from home.

Yes, i dio miss home...Miss the familiarity..the comfort..the love. Slowly uncovering the "real world"..or at least, my perspective of it...and im realising that trust is a risky investment...and once the market crashes...its not as simple as monetary loss. The valuables at stake are more than paper...they're the entities of your life; love,friendship,hope,happiness....
Some people are not worth it...you find out the hard way..and lose some in the process.... But at the same time,the ones that are genuine will begin to surface as you redefine certain aspects of your life..and these are the ones that would stay..

Im untied now...the knots tightened over the years loosened by love...
N now im sane...
Im not bleeding anymore..inside or out...
The sparks have spoken...im understood..

Thats the latest update...another one would depend on my mood...and time...n priorities..
But..ive logged this part of my life..its a milestone reached..

snippet

Im clearly at a very important crossroads..and yet, im restained within.Almost like i don't want to admit it....I cant beleive this..the fear.

I used to live for moments like this..the excitement sweeps you off your feet.

Oh, if you're wondering im 18, free, and about to step into college...

Ive changed, alot. But i wouldn't say in bad way...im learning, but afraid not fast enough. If im to submit to the ride...i need to jump in with both feet. The issue here is that i cant seem to decide who or what is it i want to be..I truly beleive that most parts of the old me is overrated. Superficial...hypocritic..the over-driven too focused self i was. Ive pushed everyone else away...for the pursuit of success. Well, focus is good, but ive turned cold..and in the process,ive become my worst enemy. Not recognising yourself isnt fun...

ive got a chance here,to break away..to fall..*cringe*..and to rise a different person..
So tell me(to myself)...really, whats it gonna be?

I need to see myself in a different light here....

ive been meaning to post on this matter for a long time, because writing about it helps..alot. Im not sure where to start in the first place..

can someone hand me a catalog?

updates

Swimming in dreams...you lose touch of the reality.Haiz...whats with the prose style writing?
But i guess..its the only way i can speak out..

But...ive nothing to say..just the factr that i don't understand what people think of me..or what they expect of me...N well..i dunno what i expect from me..from my life...

Just prooves that long periods of hollidays can turn you into MUSH..

So..ill mush away..

aint that easier?
Oh yeah...I baked a super dark Choc cake!!!

AwEkeNing

Words...words everywhere..Scattered in my mind..lost,drifting..now that i cannot put them into order.Its getting shallow...with now meaningless words..

Perspective...

Yes..thats what i need.A little perspective..and a lot of faith and hard work.

Need to get this mind back in order...back into place.

I need to function...

This love is sustaining me...in ways unimaginable..in ways.

The pain i am (finally) feeling...rejuvinates my soul...

fear no more...

i will fall...i will fail...

die..

but no fear...

coz love is finally here...