mid-hols

You'd think id be updating the blog daily now that im boring my eyeballs out at home... (no wait, thats a hyperbole....though ive lost all ability to sleep sound from lack of activity...). So I try to live it up everyday.. try new things (i was baking somethin new twice a week..n used up all the baking supplies at home that my mum barred me from baking anything 4 the rest of the month..lol.) I think i know that i should be getting a job, n earning some cash while i still have the chance to... Bu getting caught up in the lack of support from mumn'dad+not actually been offered a job after 2 interviews resulted in me weaving a cocoon around me.. n i was too comfy to leave. Yes, its me, the obsessive-compulsive perfectionist talking.... N all this while, im afraid im trying to pull a veil over the guilt of not having anything fruitful goin on during the hols. Delicate this is.... For all i know, i might just regret spending all my time working n still worry im not really living it like i ought to..

Now the results loom close by. Tho i refuse to hype about that...

Im all crossed fingers...N id reach out far, my hands and heart intertwine in prayer. But no, i wont rant out loud for it.

Home

I feverishly miss home now....

The petty details of my life there, of time spent, of moments shared with the people I love the most; Mum, Dad and my (not so) little bro.

The carefree evenings strolling in weekend pasar malams...me walking alongside my mum gingerly holding her hand as she led me through the weeks grocery-shopping, mainly for fresh vegetables, fish and poultry. Those times, large hypermarkets were out of the picture. We were a small family of four with a moderate lifestyle.

Visits to malls on random weekends, window shopping till we're all tired with sore feets omly to end the day with a meal in each others company...usually in silence. Or to the generous humor of my dad who brightens up all our days with his witty jokes, sarcasm and lame (n yet funny) exclaimations. Yes, i miss that the most.

I remember the last time i went home, for my term break...seing my dad for the first time after nearly a month. He looked somewhat older. And it hit me hard....the fact that things will not stay the same for long. The thought that I am dawning adulthood, soon to be responsible of the becoming of the family left me wondering if i was even ready. I still am their little girl....and i still make mistakes. A lot of them...and dissapointment is a painful creature.

Im silently counting down the final 2 weeks...amidst the stress and panic from the upcoming finals..i know i have something to look forward to at the end of it all.

Restless

Channeling out the randomness in me is hard....you never know where to begin...for the rant to be genuine enough. For it to have any cleansing effect....That IS the main idea behind a rant no?

Why do i feel like ive lost sight of myself....living mindlessly. My mind is on a constant buzz.....The radar damaged....and i cant tune in to the real me. We all have those periods no? So how does one find the "reset" button.

For my life...has become so intertwined with that of the people around me....so much that im more in-tuned to the buzz of the outside world than the music of me... Their ideals, styles, point of views. For fear of being judged. But since when did i care?
The sudden pop of the switch within me totally intrigues....when did THAT happen...and how did i allow it to?
But...yea...amidst the worry...i sense calm. Because ive broken from the old damaging pattern i had...the binge...the rushed way of living through my days....

People chase the big things in life, forgetting that life is about the small things

Im paced......albeit with no clear direction. No...i do not beleive that....
The dawn of deepa (light) -excuse me if the usage is inapporpriate
is mine to discover....and time is no factor in its discovery...im getting close.
( damn...i sound corny )