random thoughts

why am i feeling so damn bored all the time?...I really thought it was part of my major screw up...of this life..but it wasnt..i cant help it.Im drained..and i don't know why.I dont remember the last time ive felt thiss disfunctional...

Why do i define this negativity as "screwing up" or "being useless.."..? I cant even think of anything else to write because there practically is nothing more...my head's so blank..flat..This tightness is squeezing the life out of me..sadly,i know nobody can listen to the truth of my current predicaament without 1. Judge me for it. 2. offer advice..(yohoo!!!! I DONT NEED UR wise words..thank you). Haisy..just need someone to confide in..

Ive read through the post..and i hate the way i sound up there..(i dont even know why im putting this part in either)..

I feel like ive disowned myself.

given up..

like a diary...this reality unfolds before me..and im frantically flipping through these pages to find the one with my story..

but im not here

im the lost page..

dont i exist?

im really really confused..and its scary..

im sitting for a major examination now...i was studying..but feeling blank and weak at the same time..

hoped this would help..you know..pouring out bottled up feelings..so that i can relax a little..

didnt know where to start..which mess too clean up first..in this screwed up world of mine..Its like ive lost my senses.

Too nmbto judge..

so i dont trust my judgement.aND I DONT TRUST THE PEOPLE WHO TRUST MY JUDGEMENT EVEN MORE...

Pretty much why i dont listen to my mum..

why i don't embrace her hugs..her annoyance with my insecurities..

This is also why i dont take my friends seriously.

they dont seem to know how chaotic i am..

Not totally their fault..cuz i dont trully open up to them.Afraid i'll scare them off...

But now...my fear has totally shut me down.And i dont open up anymore..even to myself..because i scare myself alot with these thoughts.

so i allow myself to be empty..to be able to "wholly" live again...while hiding the true element of me..Damn..i know i scared everyone..because when i did allow myself to go crazy over my dream..everyone got scared..i lost friends..i lost the familiarity..i lost...but i WON 

in so many ways...i trust in me..and for once,i've led a wholesome life...

but then the choices came...the crossroad..the people around me or my dream...

at thet point i wasnt sure of what my dream was...because i was losing track of everything...and the ones i used to love werent the ones i care about anymore...

I didnt want to continue neglecting them...because it was like i was neglecting me..

Balance..

the quest never ends..

ive lost direction..redirecting isnt easy..All i know..is that i shouldnt trust anyone else with the directuions...I have to drive this myself..i have to get there myself..to truly GET THERE..

thats the scary part.