obsession..the disgrace.

These ideals we draw up and live up to may all me fake..hollow realities that we want to be true..Gosh its stupid how some people WANT bad things to happen to them..enjoy the opportunity to wallow in self pity.Ive tried putting these perspectives on..because i was teribly disturbed by it(by them)..at some point of my analysis...and realised its harder to conciously fall pretend,feel bruised than it is to actually live life according to your own direction.I guess because it is much more fulfilling to live life appreciative of yourself,to love the one you are...and there is no point in wasting yourself like that.....

But now im caught up in experimentation...i lost self respect...my integritys broken..And i'm really sorry i let go of that....i don't know why i did let go...i'm inclined to blame the people around me..The people who asked me to cool down,to let go....to eat...(crap them)...to watch tv.THAT IS NOT WHO I AM!!!! Sadly, i've just realised it...now..when its too late.Should've said no sooner.

This drive that pushes me to stuff my face wenever im inspired or stressed or plain confused has diffused me into the daily stereotypical ideals all expects all to follow.I need to know i'm worth it....God,people..i bet when you tried to hold me down,you didnt think...coz rite now,im at my ultimate down.The habit of eating to soothe has landed me in a deeper state of emptiness.I need to get displaced from the realm im in...these people who think they can control me..

But my escape is not in running away or by imposing MY ideals upon them because thats no use.People should come to see my perspective by their own terms..not because i said so....I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THEM...Till then..i really hope they STOP PUSHING ME AROUND because im insecure of my stand in life...this insecurity is between me and myself..i need to deal with it on my own...So stop thinking you can save me..go save youself.

These voices in my head...your voices...

stop drowning me....

STAY AWAY.

I need to know im worth it..that i love me..that i can live for myself..and i dont need to live to fulfil the emptiness you see in me..because..you don't really see anything...you don't know me. Nobody does really know how i tick.

I need to decide...before i ruin my existence.Before i make a mistake...probably the biggest in my life..My SPM.I need to grip my faith in my hands and work it..

NEXT WEEK...