today...for you

it a wednesday...i missed school cuz i was feeling way too heavy. Picking myself up and steering through my days got harder...real hard that i no longer find space in me to sit down and work through my trouble....i just let it drift past...lodge in the back of my head.Pretend its not there and..VOILA!! im alright..only that im not, and this pain just gets deeper..im not feeling the sting yet but its soon to come..i noe. SPM is aound the corner and my trials is in 1 months time...WHERE R U GAL???? (me to myself..) im still lost..and the fact is, i want to be...i want to beleive that i cant see..when i noe my visions not all that bad and all it needs is a lil optimism and focus to be able to make out views before it...but nope...not listening...visions bad alright..
(man im crapping)

can anybody tell me y am i binge eating..? ive gained 3 kgs in the past 3 weeks...hehe..running away...i need to save me..Now, waiting for the right time. Poor Momma...shes gonna be terribly dissapointed if she finds out whats going on in my head...my tiny tiny screwed up head..dadda too. I mean, he acctually took a day off on my birthday just to celebrate and surprise me! He has never done that before...ever..not even for momma. They really ahve their hopes up...u noe,with spm coming up...Me going all confident bout doing medicine(i used to be at least)...See whats going on? They..no EVERYONE thinks im perfect...that im doing fine...that im in control..Hell you're wrong, you're all wrong...Cant you see?..im hiding away from myself..like today, i told momma i wanted to miss school to study at home..i intended to...but then after 2 hrs, ithe food got to me...i started eating....tv turned on...i didnt stop...till now..n here i am, in front of the computer...blogging out my screwed up thoughts...im too sick to go thru that self help book again...got loadz of it at home...read thru it all...but no help in sight.. So where am i going?

u tell me...