Restless

Channeling out the randomness in me is hard....you never know where to begin...for the rant to be genuine enough. For it to have any cleansing effect....That IS the main idea behind a rant no?

Why do i feel like ive lost sight of myself....living mindlessly. My mind is on a constant buzz.....The radar damaged....and i cant tune in to the real me. We all have those periods no? So how does one find the "reset" button.

For my life...has become so intertwined with that of the people around me....so much that im more in-tuned to the buzz of the outside world than the music of me... Their ideals, styles, point of views. For fear of being judged. But since when did i care?
The sudden pop of the switch within me totally intrigues....when did THAT happen...and how did i allow it to?
But...yea...amidst the worry...i sense calm. Because ive broken from the old damaging pattern i had...the binge...the rushed way of living through my days....

People chase the big things in life, forgetting that life is about the small things

Im paced......albeit with no clear direction. No...i do not beleive that....
The dawn of deepa (light) -excuse me if the usage is inapporpriate
is mine to discover....and time is no factor in its discovery...im getting close.
( damn...i sound corny )

The beggining

It has been long since ive written anything down....on and off blog.. I have been distracted...or at least ive been distracting myself..with petty details..To escape from the real questions...The responsibilities. But....from under the covers,i slowly realise that it isnt possible to hide away..you cant detach yourself from the life you're leading...even when you're now living 6 hours away from home.

Yes, i dio miss home...Miss the familiarity..the comfort..the love. Slowly uncovering the "real world"..or at least, my perspective of it...and im realising that trust is a risky investment...and once the market crashes...its not as simple as monetary loss. The valuables at stake are more than paper...they're the entities of your life; love,friendship,hope,happiness....
Some people are not worth it...you find out the hard way..and lose some in the process.... But at the same time,the ones that are genuine will begin to surface as you redefine certain aspects of your life..and these are the ones that would stay..

Im untied now...the knots tightened over the years loosened by love...
N now im sane...
Im not bleeding anymore..inside or out...
The sparks have spoken...im understood..

Thats the latest update...another one would depend on my mood...and time...n priorities..
But..ive logged this part of my life..its a milestone reached..

snippet

Im clearly at a very important crossroads..and yet, im restained within.Almost like i don't want to admit it....I cant beleive this..the fear.

I used to live for moments like this..the excitement sweeps you off your feet.

Oh, if you're wondering im 18, free, and about to step into college...

Ive changed, alot. But i wouldn't say in bad way...im learning, but afraid not fast enough. If im to submit to the ride...i need to jump in with both feet. The issue here is that i cant seem to decide who or what is it i want to be..I truly beleive that most parts of the old me is overrated. Superficial...hypocritic..the over-driven too focused self i was. Ive pushed everyone else away...for the pursuit of success. Well, focus is good, but ive turned cold..and in the process,ive become my worst enemy. Not recognising yourself isnt fun...

ive got a chance here,to break away..to fall..*cringe*..and to rise a different person..
So tell me(to myself)...really, whats it gonna be?

I need to see myself in a different light here....

ive been meaning to post on this matter for a long time, because writing about it helps..alot. Im not sure where to start in the first place..

can someone hand me a catalog?

updates

Swimming in dreams...you lose touch of the reality.Haiz...whats with the prose style writing?
But i guess..its the only way i can speak out..

But...ive nothing to say..just the factr that i don't understand what people think of me..or what they expect of me...N well..i dunno what i expect from me..from my life...

Just prooves that long periods of hollidays can turn you into MUSH..

So..ill mush away..

aint that easier?
Oh yeah...I baked a super dark Choc cake!!!

AwEkeNing

Words...words everywhere..Scattered in my mind..lost,drifting..now that i cannot put them into order.Its getting shallow...with now meaningless words..

Perspective...

Yes..thats what i need.A little perspective..and a lot of faith and hard work.

Need to get this mind back in order...back into place.

I need to function...

This love is sustaining me...in ways unimaginable..in ways.

The pain i am (finally) feeling...rejuvinates my soul...

fear no more...

i will fall...i will fail...

die..

but no fear...

coz love is finally here...

A fresh start...tentatively.

Managed to start the day decently...owing to the fact that ive completed a substantial amount of scholarship hunting and applying..the night before...up till 5am.Haiz..the insanity.Yet,its the main reason im calm and collected....

For now, im trying to keep a positive outlook on things...(and bite my lips when people come around asking me what im going to do next...only to have them brief me on my life..like i havent a clue..god save me some respect guys..Im stressed out here..)...POSITIVE....

STRESSED OUT!!!!!!!!!!

The roller coaster that ive put myself through for the past three months has drained me of my self confidence...leaving the writhing rawness within me exposed.Almost feel naked...and non existent...
Till i found company in the form of good friends.
Oh hyea,didnt i tell you? I went for National service...three months(2 and a half actually...minus the varios hols..=)..)

Despite the negativity that surrounds it...i personally was grateful that i had undergone the training in the first place.Honestly,the huge investment of the government of malaysia into the program is definitely worth it..The course content was solid and very focused...And, personally,ive known a couple of pals who have quit smoking once there...

As for me..lets just say ive begun to function "normally"...live with other people..and for once..relax.

Well...that was a very dry explanation on an otherwise rich experience..Haiz...in a terrible mood today.
God, you'd think getting a clean(by clean,i mean straight a's) result slip...but try undergoing the whole scholarship application process..UPU..etc..etc..Im glad that i do actually stand a chance in scoring a scholarship,but at the same time, i cant help but feel suffocated by the various terms,requirements...closing dates...my parents...my parents..n yea..my parents.They are trying their very best to help me out..no they're NOT intentionally heaping on additional pressure...and yet sometimes..they can get a lil overbearing..suffocating..maybe coz they wanna help so badly.It leaves me with no room to think things through...Right now, the streering wheel is no longer in my hands..

My dad has been going around online..APPLYING scholarships for my...god that stresses me out coz i NEED to noe these things..i have things planned out n when you go around messing with things..it just throws me off balance..Im being a lil too sensitive..but i dont like it when im not given respect/faith in determining my future...

empty rantings? I know...cant help it..

till next time...