AwEkeNing

Words...words everywhere..Scattered in my mind..lost,drifting..now that i cannot put them into order.Its getting shallow...with now meaningless words..

Perspective...

Yes..thats what i need.A little perspective..and a lot of faith and hard work.

Need to get this mind back in order...back into place.

I need to function...

This love is sustaining me...in ways unimaginable..in ways.

The pain i am (finally) feeling...rejuvinates my soul...

fear no more...

i will fall...i will fail...

die..

but no fear...

coz love is finally here...

A fresh start...tentatively.

Managed to start the day decently...owing to the fact that ive completed a substantial amount of scholarship hunting and applying..the night before...up till 5am.Haiz..the insanity.Yet,its the main reason im calm and collected....

For now, im trying to keep a positive outlook on things...(and bite my lips when people come around asking me what im going to do next...only to have them brief me on my life..like i havent a clue..god save me some respect guys..Im stressed out here..)...POSITIVE....

STRESSED OUT!!!!!!!!!!

The roller coaster that ive put myself through for the past three months has drained me of my self confidence...leaving the writhing rawness within me exposed.Almost feel naked...and non existent...
Till i found company in the form of good friends.
Oh hyea,didnt i tell you? I went for National service...three months(2 and a half actually...minus the varios hols..=)..)

Despite the negativity that surrounds it...i personally was grateful that i had undergone the training in the first place.Honestly,the huge investment of the government of malaysia into the program is definitely worth it..The course content was solid and very focused...And, personally,ive known a couple of pals who have quit smoking once there...

As for me..lets just say ive begun to function "normally"...live with other people..and for once..relax.

Well...that was a very dry explanation on an otherwise rich experience..Haiz...in a terrible mood today.
God, you'd think getting a clean(by clean,i mean straight a's) result slip...but try undergoing the whole scholarship application process..UPU..etc..etc..Im glad that i do actually stand a chance in scoring a scholarship,but at the same time, i cant help but feel suffocated by the various terms,requirements...closing dates...my parents...my parents..n yea..my parents.They are trying their very best to help me out..no they're NOT intentionally heaping on additional pressure...and yet sometimes..they can get a lil overbearing..suffocating..maybe coz they wanna help so badly.It leaves me with no room to think things through...Right now, the streering wheel is no longer in my hands..

My dad has been going around online..APPLYING scholarships for my...god that stresses me out coz i NEED to noe these things..i have things planned out n when you go around messing with things..it just throws me off balance..Im being a lil too sensitive..but i dont like it when im not given respect/faith in determining my future...

empty rantings? I know...cant help it..

till next time...

Fatal silence

The moment you lose sight of self,

almost automatically,suffocation lodges in a secret compartment within you and in an impossible way,sustains you.

Its almost ironical,the way this functions...The huge hole that takes form within drains the air from sustaining substantial life and yet the density that results from the process almost feeds one with inevitable strength.The hollowness that grew within me,the entity that time nor strength was able to fill..(you learn, that when one gets hollow, no amount of life force can undo the drainage...because it is almost invincible,like a parasite,feeds off of you...and will only matter when it has grown larger than you..only noticable when it dishevelles the person you are)....now is tamed by the suffocation.Hollow,would always be hollow..

The only plausible solution to the situation would be to let go of self...

to drown...

and see if one would rise back.To challenge,to test the strength of character....

Suffocate,to survive.

And in this moments of frantic yelling,struggling to float...one slowly begins to catch up...learn to swim.Take form...awaken..live.

Embrace invincibility to become invincible?

....

disgusted with the picture within....ive landed flat on my face.

random thoughts

why am i feeling so damn bored all the time?...I really thought it was part of my major screw up...of this life..but it wasnt..i cant help it.Im drained..and i don't know why.I dont remember the last time ive felt thiss disfunctional...

Why do i define this negativity as "screwing up" or "being useless.."..? I cant even think of anything else to write because there practically is nothing more...my head's so blank..flat..This tightness is squeezing the life out of me..sadly,i know nobody can listen to the truth of my current predicaament without 1. Judge me for it. 2. offer advice..(yohoo!!!! I DONT NEED UR wise words..thank you). Haisy..just need someone to confide in..

Ive read through the post..and i hate the way i sound up there..(i dont even know why im putting this part in either)..

I feel like ive disowned myself.

given up..

like a diary...this reality unfolds before me..and im frantically flipping through these pages to find the one with my story..

but im not here

im the lost page..

dont i exist?

im really really confused..and its scary..

im sitting for a major examination now...i was studying..but feeling blank and weak at the same time..

hoped this would help..you know..pouring out bottled up feelings..so that i can relax a little..

didnt know where to start..which mess too clean up first..in this screwed up world of mine..Its like ive lost my senses.

Too nmbto judge..

so i dont trust my judgement.aND I DONT TRUST THE PEOPLE WHO TRUST MY JUDGEMENT EVEN MORE...

Pretty much why i dont listen to my mum..

why i don't embrace her hugs..her annoyance with my insecurities..

This is also why i dont take my friends seriously.

they dont seem to know how chaotic i am..

Not totally their fault..cuz i dont trully open up to them.Afraid i'll scare them off...

But now...my fear has totally shut me down.And i dont open up anymore..even to myself..because i scare myself alot with these thoughts.

so i allow myself to be empty..to be able to "wholly" live again...while hiding the true element of me..Damn..i know i scared everyone..because when i did allow myself to go crazy over my dream..everyone got scared..i lost friends..i lost the familiarity..i lost...but i WON 

in so many ways...i trust in me..and for once,i've led a wholesome life...

but then the choices came...the crossroad..the people around me or my dream...

at thet point i wasnt sure of what my dream was...because i was losing track of everything...and the ones i used to love werent the ones i care about anymore...

I didnt want to continue neglecting them...because it was like i was neglecting me..

Balance..

the quest never ends..

ive lost direction..redirecting isnt easy..All i know..is that i shouldnt trust anyone else with the directuions...I have to drive this myself..i have to get there myself..to truly GET THERE..

thats the scary part.

obsession..the disgrace.

These ideals we draw up and live up to may all me fake..hollow realities that we want to be true..Gosh its stupid how some people WANT bad things to happen to them..enjoy the opportunity to wallow in self pity.Ive tried putting these perspectives on..because i was teribly disturbed by it(by them)..at some point of my analysis...and realised its harder to conciously fall pretend,feel bruised than it is to actually live life according to your own direction.I guess because it is much more fulfilling to live life appreciative of yourself,to love the one you are...and there is no point in wasting yourself like that.....

But now im caught up in experimentation...i lost self respect...my integritys broken..And i'm really sorry i let go of that....i don't know why i did let go...i'm inclined to blame the people around me..The people who asked me to cool down,to let go....to eat...(crap them)...to watch tv.THAT IS NOT WHO I AM!!!! Sadly, i've just realised it...now..when its too late.Should've said no sooner.

This drive that pushes me to stuff my face wenever im inspired or stressed or plain confused has diffused me into the daily stereotypical ideals all expects all to follow.I need to know i'm worth it....God,people..i bet when you tried to hold me down,you didnt think...coz rite now,im at my ultimate down.The habit of eating to soothe has landed me in a deeper state of emptiness.I need to get displaced from the realm im in...these people who think they can control me..

But my escape is not in running away or by imposing MY ideals upon them because thats no use.People should come to see my perspective by their own terms..not because i said so....I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THEM...Till then..i really hope they STOP PUSHING ME AROUND because im insecure of my stand in life...this insecurity is between me and myself..i need to deal with it on my own...So stop thinking you can save me..go save youself.

These voices in my head...your voices...

stop drowning me....

STAY AWAY.

I need to know im worth it..that i love me..that i can live for myself..and i dont need to live to fulfil the emptiness you see in me..because..you don't really see anything...you don't know me. Nobody does really know how i tick.

I need to decide...before i ruin my existence.Before i make a mistake...probably the biggest in my life..My SPM.I need to grip my faith in my hands and work it..

NEXT WEEK...