STRESSED OUT!!!!!!!!!!

The roller coaster that ive put myself through for the past three months has drained me of my self confidence...leaving the writhing rawness within me exposed.Almost feel naked...and non existent...
Till i found company in the form of good friends.
Oh hyea,didnt i tell you? I went for National service...three months(2 and a half actually...minus the varios hols..=)..)

Despite the negativity that surrounds it...i personally was grateful that i had undergone the training in the first place.Honestly,the huge investment of the government of malaysia into the program is definitely worth it..The course content was solid and very focused...And, personally,ive known a couple of pals who have quit smoking once there...

As for me..lets just say ive begun to function "normally"...live with other people..and for once..relax.

Well...that was a very dry explanation on an otherwise rich experience..Haiz...in a terrible mood today.
God, you'd think getting a clean(by clean,i mean straight a's) result slip...but try undergoing the whole scholarship application process..UPU..etc..etc..Im glad that i do actually stand a chance in scoring a scholarship,but at the same time, i cant help but feel suffocated by the various terms,requirements...closing dates...my parents...my parents..n yea..my parents.They are trying their very best to help me out..no they're NOT intentionally heaping on additional pressure...and yet sometimes..they can get a lil overbearing..suffocating..maybe coz they wanna help so badly.It leaves me with no room to think things through...Right now, the streering wheel is no longer in my hands..

My dad has been going around online..APPLYING scholarships for my...god that stresses me out coz i NEED to noe these things..i have things planned out n when you go around messing with things..it just throws me off balance..Im being a lil too sensitive..but i dont like it when im not given respect/faith in determining my future...

empty rantings? I know...cant help it..

till next time...

Fatal silence

The moment you lose sight of self,

almost automatically,suffocation lodges in a secret compartment within you and in an impossible way,sustains you.

Its almost ironical,the way this functions...The huge hole that takes form within drains the air from sustaining substantial life and yet the density that results from the process almost feeds one with inevitable strength.The hollowness that grew within me,the entity that time nor strength was able to fill..(you learn, that when one gets hollow, no amount of life force can undo the drainage...because it is almost invincible,like a parasite,feeds off of you...and will only matter when it has grown larger than you..only noticable when it dishevelles the person you are)....now is tamed by the suffocation.Hollow,would always be hollow..

The only plausible solution to the situation would be to let go of self...

to drown...

and see if one would rise back.To challenge,to test the strength of character....

Suffocate,to survive.

And in this moments of frantic yelling,struggling to float...one slowly begins to catch up...learn to swim.Take form...awaken..live.

Embrace invincibility to become invincible?

....

disgusted with the picture within....ive landed flat on my face.

random thoughts

why am i feeling so damn bored all the time?...I really thought it was part of my major screw up...of this life..but it wasnt..i cant help it.Im drained..and i don't know why.I dont remember the last time ive felt thiss disfunctional...

Why do i define this negativity as "screwing up" or "being useless.."..? I cant even think of anything else to write because there practically is nothing more...my head's so blank..flat..This tightness is squeezing the life out of me..sadly,i know nobody can listen to the truth of my current predicaament without 1. Judge me for it. 2. offer advice..(yohoo!!!! I DONT NEED UR wise words..thank you). Haisy..just need someone to confide in..

Ive read through the post..and i hate the way i sound up there..(i dont even know why im putting this part in either)..

I feel like ive disowned myself.

given up..

like a diary...this reality unfolds before me..and im frantically flipping through these pages to find the one with my story..

but im not here

im the lost page..

dont i exist?

im really really confused..and its scary..

im sitting for a major examination now...i was studying..but feeling blank and weak at the same time..

hoped this would help..you know..pouring out bottled up feelings..so that i can relax a little..

didnt know where to start..which mess too clean up first..in this screwed up world of mine..Its like ive lost my senses.

Too nmbto judge..

so i dont trust my judgement.aND I DONT TRUST THE PEOPLE WHO TRUST MY JUDGEMENT EVEN MORE...

Pretty much why i dont listen to my mum..

why i don't embrace her hugs..her annoyance with my insecurities..

This is also why i dont take my friends seriously.

they dont seem to know how chaotic i am..

Not totally their fault..cuz i dont trully open up to them.Afraid i'll scare them off...

But now...my fear has totally shut me down.And i dont open up anymore..even to myself..because i scare myself alot with these thoughts.

so i allow myself to be empty..to be able to "wholly" live again...while hiding the true element of me..Damn..i know i scared everyone..because when i did allow myself to go crazy over my dream..everyone got scared..i lost friends..i lost the familiarity..i lost...but i WON 

in so many ways...i trust in me..and for once,i've led a wholesome life...

but then the choices came...the crossroad..the people around me or my dream...

at thet point i wasnt sure of what my dream was...because i was losing track of everything...and the ones i used to love werent the ones i care about anymore...

I didnt want to continue neglecting them...because it was like i was neglecting me..

Balance..

the quest never ends..

ive lost direction..redirecting isnt easy..All i know..is that i shouldnt trust anyone else with the directuions...I have to drive this myself..i have to get there myself..to truly GET THERE..

thats the scary part.

obsession..the disgrace.

These ideals we draw up and live up to may all me fake..hollow realities that we want to be true..Gosh its stupid how some people WANT bad things to happen to them..enjoy the opportunity to wallow in self pity.Ive tried putting these perspectives on..because i was teribly disturbed by it(by them)..at some point of my analysis...and realised its harder to conciously fall pretend,feel bruised than it is to actually live life according to your own direction.I guess because it is much more fulfilling to live life appreciative of yourself,to love the one you are...and there is no point in wasting yourself like that.....

But now im caught up in experimentation...i lost self respect...my integritys broken..And i'm really sorry i let go of that....i don't know why i did let go...i'm inclined to blame the people around me..The people who asked me to cool down,to let go....to eat...(crap them)...to watch tv.THAT IS NOT WHO I AM!!!! Sadly, i've just realised it...now..when its too late.Should've said no sooner.

This drive that pushes me to stuff my face wenever im inspired or stressed or plain confused has diffused me into the daily stereotypical ideals all expects all to follow.I need to know i'm worth it....God,people..i bet when you tried to hold me down,you didnt think...coz rite now,im at my ultimate down.The habit of eating to soothe has landed me in a deeper state of emptiness.I need to get displaced from the realm im in...these people who think they can control me..

But my escape is not in running away or by imposing MY ideals upon them because thats no use.People should come to see my perspective by their own terms..not because i said so....I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THEM...Till then..i really hope they STOP PUSHING ME AROUND because im insecure of my stand in life...this insecurity is between me and myself..i need to deal with it on my own...So stop thinking you can save me..go save youself.

These voices in my head...your voices...

stop drowning me....

STAY AWAY.

I need to know im worth it..that i love me..that i can live for myself..and i dont need to live to fulfil the emptiness you see in me..because..you don't really see anything...you don't know me. Nobody does really know how i tick.

I need to decide...before i ruin my existence.Before i make a mistake...probably the biggest in my life..My SPM.I need to grip my faith in my hands and work it..

NEXT WEEK...

today...for you

it a wednesday...i missed school cuz i was feeling way too heavy. Picking myself up and steering through my days got harder...real hard that i no longer find space in me to sit down and work through my trouble....i just let it drift past...lodge in the back of my head.Pretend its not there and..VOILA!! im alright..only that im not, and this pain just gets deeper..im not feeling the sting yet but its soon to come..i noe. SPM is aound the corner and my trials is in 1 months time...WHERE R U GAL???? (me to myself..) im still lost..and the fact is, i want to be...i want to beleive that i cant see..when i noe my visions not all that bad and all it needs is a lil optimism and focus to be able to make out views before it...but nope...not listening...visions bad alright..
(man im crapping)

can anybody tell me y am i binge eating..? ive gained 3 kgs in the past 3 weeks...hehe..running away...i need to save me..Now, waiting for the right time. Poor Momma...shes gonna be terribly dissapointed if she finds out whats going on in my head...my tiny tiny screwed up head..dadda too. I mean, he acctually took a day off on my birthday just to celebrate and surprise me! He has never done that before...ever..not even for momma. They really ahve their hopes up...u noe,with spm coming up...Me going all confident bout doing medicine(i used to be at least)...See whats going on? They..no EVERYONE thinks im perfect...that im doing fine...that im in control..Hell you're wrong, you're all wrong...Cant you see?..im hiding away from myself..like today, i told momma i wanted to miss school to study at home..i intended to...but then after 2 hrs, ithe food got to me...i started eating....tv turned on...i didnt stop...till now..n here i am, in front of the computer...blogging out my screwed up thoughts...im too sick to go thru that self help book again...got loadz of it at home...read thru it all...but no help in sight.. So where am i going?

u tell me...

Say something....

Falling into that all too familiar pit
again,
Dashing away into my comfort zone,
again,
Ive been running away...
but here i am
again,
So is this good?
I ask..cuz im hanging
I cant connect with these colors i see..
I cant hear my music no more...
im letting go
again?
No ,NOT GIVING UP
gosh i wish i knew where im going
what im doing
This pain i feel...am i supposed to get up?
After this is over, am i supposed to pick up the pieces..
believe that im renewed once more,
lie...
again
And see hope when its not there
See myself, the truth ive regained
loose it again, i fall
into this all too familiar pit...
again.