mid-hols

You'd think id be updating the blog daily now that im boring my eyeballs out at home... (no wait, thats a hyperbole....though ive lost all ability to sleep sound from lack of activity...). So I try to live it up everyday.. try new things (i was baking somethin new twice a week..n used up all the baking supplies at home that my mum barred me from baking anything 4 the rest of the month..lol.) I think i know that i should be getting a job, n earning some cash while i still have the chance to... Bu getting caught up in the lack of support from mumn'dad+not actually been offered a job after 2 interviews resulted in me weaving a cocoon around me.. n i was too comfy to leave. Yes, its me, the obsessive-compulsive perfectionist talking.... N all this while, im afraid im trying to pull a veil over the guilt of not having anything fruitful goin on during the hols. Delicate this is.... For all i know, i might just regret spending all my time working n still worry im not really living it like i ought to..

Now the results loom close by. Tho i refuse to hype about that...

Im all crossed fingers...N id reach out far, my hands and heart intertwine in prayer. But no, i wont rant out loud for it.

Home

I feverishly miss home now....

The petty details of my life there, of time spent, of moments shared with the people I love the most; Mum, Dad and my (not so) little bro.

The carefree evenings strolling in weekend pasar malams...me walking alongside my mum gingerly holding her hand as she led me through the weeks grocery-shopping, mainly for fresh vegetables, fish and poultry. Those times, large hypermarkets were out of the picture. We were a small family of four with a moderate lifestyle.

Visits to malls on random weekends, window shopping till we're all tired with sore feets omly to end the day with a meal in each others company...usually in silence. Or to the generous humor of my dad who brightens up all our days with his witty jokes, sarcasm and lame (n yet funny) exclaimations. Yes, i miss that the most.

I remember the last time i went home, for my term break...seing my dad for the first time after nearly a month. He looked somewhat older. And it hit me hard....the fact that things will not stay the same for long. The thought that I am dawning adulthood, soon to be responsible of the becoming of the family left me wondering if i was even ready. I still am their little girl....and i still make mistakes. A lot of them...and dissapointment is a painful creature.

Im silently counting down the final 2 weeks...amidst the stress and panic from the upcoming finals..i know i have something to look forward to at the end of it all.

Restless

Channeling out the randomness in me is hard....you never know where to begin...for the rant to be genuine enough. For it to have any cleansing effect....That IS the main idea behind a rant no?

Why do i feel like ive lost sight of myself....living mindlessly. My mind is on a constant buzz.....The radar damaged....and i cant tune in to the real me. We all have those periods no? So how does one find the "reset" button.

For my life...has become so intertwined with that of the people around me....so much that im more in-tuned to the buzz of the outside world than the music of me... Their ideals, styles, point of views. For fear of being judged. But since when did i care?
The sudden pop of the switch within me totally intrigues....when did THAT happen...and how did i allow it to?
But...yea...amidst the worry...i sense calm. Because ive broken from the old damaging pattern i had...the binge...the rushed way of living through my days....

People chase the big things in life, forgetting that life is about the small things

Im paced......albeit with no clear direction. No...i do not beleive that....
The dawn of deepa (light) -excuse me if the usage is inapporpriate
is mine to discover....and time is no factor in its discovery...im getting close.
( damn...i sound corny )

The beggining

It has been long since ive written anything down....on and off blog.. I have been distracted...or at least ive been distracting myself..with petty details..To escape from the real questions...The responsibilities. But....from under the covers,i slowly realise that it isnt possible to hide away..you cant detach yourself from the life you're leading...even when you're now living 6 hours away from home.

Yes, i dio miss home...Miss the familiarity..the comfort..the love. Slowly uncovering the "real world"..or at least, my perspective of it...and im realising that trust is a risky investment...and once the market crashes...its not as simple as monetary loss. The valuables at stake are more than paper...they're the entities of your life; love,friendship,hope,happiness....
Some people are not worth it...you find out the hard way..and lose some in the process.... But at the same time,the ones that are genuine will begin to surface as you redefine certain aspects of your life..and these are the ones that would stay..

Im untied now...the knots tightened over the years loosened by love...
N now im sane...
Im not bleeding anymore..inside or out...
The sparks have spoken...im understood..

Thats the latest update...another one would depend on my mood...and time...n priorities..
But..ive logged this part of my life..its a milestone reached..

snippet

Im clearly at a very important crossroads..and yet, im restained within.Almost like i don't want to admit it....I cant beleive this..the fear.

I used to live for moments like this..the excitement sweeps you off your feet.

Oh, if you're wondering im 18, free, and about to step into college...

Ive changed, alot. But i wouldn't say in bad way...im learning, but afraid not fast enough. If im to submit to the ride...i need to jump in with both feet. The issue here is that i cant seem to decide who or what is it i want to be..I truly beleive that most parts of the old me is overrated. Superficial...hypocritic..the over-driven too focused self i was. Ive pushed everyone else away...for the pursuit of success. Well, focus is good, but ive turned cold..and in the process,ive become my worst enemy. Not recognising yourself isnt fun...

ive got a chance here,to break away..to fall..*cringe*..and to rise a different person..
So tell me(to myself)...really, whats it gonna be?

I need to see myself in a different light here....

ive been meaning to post on this matter for a long time, because writing about it helps..alot. Im not sure where to start in the first place..

can someone hand me a catalog?

updates

Swimming in dreams...you lose touch of the reality.Haiz...whats with the prose style writing?
But i guess..its the only way i can speak out..

But...ive nothing to say..just the factr that i don't understand what people think of me..or what they expect of me...N well..i dunno what i expect from me..from my life...

Just prooves that long periods of hollidays can turn you into MUSH..

So..ill mush away..

aint that easier?
Oh yeah...I baked a super dark Choc cake!!!

AwEkeNing

Words...words everywhere..Scattered in my mind..lost,drifting..now that i cannot put them into order.Its getting shallow...with now meaningless words..

Perspective...

Yes..thats what i need.A little perspective..and a lot of faith and hard work.

Need to get this mind back in order...back into place.

I need to function...

This love is sustaining me...in ways unimaginable..in ways.

The pain i am (finally) feeling...rejuvinates my soul...

fear no more...

i will fall...i will fail...

die..

but no fear...

coz love is finally here...

A fresh start...tentatively.

Managed to start the day decently...owing to the fact that ive completed a substantial amount of scholarship hunting and applying..the night before...up till 5am.Haiz..the insanity.Yet,its the main reason im calm and collected....

For now, im trying to keep a positive outlook on things...(and bite my lips when people come around asking me what im going to do next...only to have them brief me on my life..like i havent a clue..god save me some respect guys..Im stressed out here..)...POSITIVE....

STRESSED OUT!!!!!!!!!!

The roller coaster that ive put myself through for the past three months has drained me of my self confidence...leaving the writhing rawness within me exposed.Almost feel naked...and non existent...
Till i found company in the form of good friends.
Oh hyea,didnt i tell you? I went for National service...three months(2 and a half actually...minus the varios hols..=)..)

Despite the negativity that surrounds it...i personally was grateful that i had undergone the training in the first place.Honestly,the huge investment of the government of malaysia into the program is definitely worth it..The course content was solid and very focused...And, personally,ive known a couple of pals who have quit smoking once there...

As for me..lets just say ive begun to function "normally"...live with other people..and for once..relax.

Well...that was a very dry explanation on an otherwise rich experience..Haiz...in a terrible mood today.
God, you'd think getting a clean(by clean,i mean straight a's) result slip...but try undergoing the whole scholarship application process..UPU..etc..etc..Im glad that i do actually stand a chance in scoring a scholarship,but at the same time, i cant help but feel suffocated by the various terms,requirements...closing dates...my parents...my parents..n yea..my parents.They are trying their very best to help me out..no they're NOT intentionally heaping on additional pressure...and yet sometimes..they can get a lil overbearing..suffocating..maybe coz they wanna help so badly.It leaves me with no room to think things through...Right now, the streering wheel is no longer in my hands..

My dad has been going around online..APPLYING scholarships for my...god that stresses me out coz i NEED to noe these things..i have things planned out n when you go around messing with things..it just throws me off balance..Im being a lil too sensitive..but i dont like it when im not given respect/faith in determining my future...

empty rantings? I know...cant help it..

till next time...

Fatal silence

The moment you lose sight of self,

almost automatically,suffocation lodges in a secret compartment within you and in an impossible way,sustains you.

Its almost ironical,the way this functions...The huge hole that takes form within drains the air from sustaining substantial life and yet the density that results from the process almost feeds one with inevitable strength.The hollowness that grew within me,the entity that time nor strength was able to fill..(you learn, that when one gets hollow, no amount of life force can undo the drainage...because it is almost invincible,like a parasite,feeds off of you...and will only matter when it has grown larger than you..only noticable when it dishevelles the person you are)....now is tamed by the suffocation.Hollow,would always be hollow..

The only plausible solution to the situation would be to let go of self...

to drown...

and see if one would rise back.To challenge,to test the strength of character....

Suffocate,to survive.

And in this moments of frantic yelling,struggling to float...one slowly begins to catch up...learn to swim.Take form...awaken..live.

Embrace invincibility to become invincible?

....

disgusted with the picture within....ive landed flat on my face.

random thoughts

why am i feeling so damn bored all the time?...I really thought it was part of my major screw up...of this life..but it wasnt..i cant help it.Im drained..and i don't know why.I dont remember the last time ive felt thiss disfunctional...

Why do i define this negativity as "screwing up" or "being useless.."..? I cant even think of anything else to write because there practically is nothing more...my head's so blank..flat..This tightness is squeezing the life out of me..sadly,i know nobody can listen to the truth of my current predicaament without 1. Judge me for it. 2. offer advice..(yohoo!!!! I DONT NEED UR wise words..thank you). Haisy..just need someone to confide in..

Ive read through the post..and i hate the way i sound up there..(i dont even know why im putting this part in either)..

I feel like ive disowned myself.

given up..

like a diary...this reality unfolds before me..and im frantically flipping through these pages to find the one with my story..

but im not here

im the lost page..

dont i exist?

im really really confused..and its scary..

im sitting for a major examination now...i was studying..but feeling blank and weak at the same time..

hoped this would help..you know..pouring out bottled up feelings..so that i can relax a little..

didnt know where to start..which mess too clean up first..in this screwed up world of mine..Its like ive lost my senses.

Too nmbto judge..

so i dont trust my judgement.aND I DONT TRUST THE PEOPLE WHO TRUST MY JUDGEMENT EVEN MORE...

Pretty much why i dont listen to my mum..

why i don't embrace her hugs..her annoyance with my insecurities..

This is also why i dont take my friends seriously.

they dont seem to know how chaotic i am..

Not totally their fault..cuz i dont trully open up to them.Afraid i'll scare them off...

But now...my fear has totally shut me down.And i dont open up anymore..even to myself..because i scare myself alot with these thoughts.

so i allow myself to be empty..to be able to "wholly" live again...while hiding the true element of me..Damn..i know i scared everyone..because when i did allow myself to go crazy over my dream..everyone got scared..i lost friends..i lost the familiarity..i lost...but i WON 

in so many ways...i trust in me..and for once,i've led a wholesome life...

but then the choices came...the crossroad..the people around me or my dream...

at thet point i wasnt sure of what my dream was...because i was losing track of everything...and the ones i used to love werent the ones i care about anymore...

I didnt want to continue neglecting them...because it was like i was neglecting me..

Balance..

the quest never ends..

ive lost direction..redirecting isnt easy..All i know..is that i shouldnt trust anyone else with the directuions...I have to drive this myself..i have to get there myself..to truly GET THERE..

thats the scary part.

obsession..the disgrace.

These ideals we draw up and live up to may all me fake..hollow realities that we want to be true..Gosh its stupid how some people WANT bad things to happen to them..enjoy the opportunity to wallow in self pity.Ive tried putting these perspectives on..because i was teribly disturbed by it(by them)..at some point of my analysis...and realised its harder to conciously fall pretend,feel bruised than it is to actually live life according to your own direction.I guess because it is much more fulfilling to live life appreciative of yourself,to love the one you are...and there is no point in wasting yourself like that.....

But now im caught up in experimentation...i lost self respect...my integritys broken..And i'm really sorry i let go of that....i don't know why i did let go...i'm inclined to blame the people around me..The people who asked me to cool down,to let go....to eat...(crap them)...to watch tv.THAT IS NOT WHO I AM!!!! Sadly, i've just realised it...now..when its too late.Should've said no sooner.

This drive that pushes me to stuff my face wenever im inspired or stressed or plain confused has diffused me into the daily stereotypical ideals all expects all to follow.I need to know i'm worth it....God,people..i bet when you tried to hold me down,you didnt think...coz rite now,im at my ultimate down.The habit of eating to soothe has landed me in a deeper state of emptiness.I need to get displaced from the realm im in...these people who think they can control me..

But my escape is not in running away or by imposing MY ideals upon them because thats no use.People should come to see my perspective by their own terms..not because i said so....I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THEM...Till then..i really hope they STOP PUSHING ME AROUND because im insecure of my stand in life...this insecurity is between me and myself..i need to deal with it on my own...So stop thinking you can save me..go save youself.

These voices in my head...your voices...

stop drowning me....

STAY AWAY.

I need to know im worth it..that i love me..that i can live for myself..and i dont need to live to fulfil the emptiness you see in me..because..you don't really see anything...you don't know me. Nobody does really know how i tick.

I need to decide...before i ruin my existence.Before i make a mistake...probably the biggest in my life..My SPM.I need to grip my faith in my hands and work it..

NEXT WEEK...

today...for you

it a wednesday...i missed school cuz i was feeling way too heavy. Picking myself up and steering through my days got harder...real hard that i no longer find space in me to sit down and work through my trouble....i just let it drift past...lodge in the back of my head.Pretend its not there and..VOILA!! im alright..only that im not, and this pain just gets deeper..im not feeling the sting yet but its soon to come..i noe. SPM is aound the corner and my trials is in 1 months time...WHERE R U GAL???? (me to myself..) im still lost..and the fact is, i want to be...i want to beleive that i cant see..when i noe my visions not all that bad and all it needs is a lil optimism and focus to be able to make out views before it...but nope...not listening...visions bad alright..
(man im crapping)

can anybody tell me y am i binge eating..? ive gained 3 kgs in the past 3 weeks...hehe..running away...i need to save me..Now, waiting for the right time. Poor Momma...shes gonna be terribly dissapointed if she finds out whats going on in my head...my tiny tiny screwed up head..dadda too. I mean, he acctually took a day off on my birthday just to celebrate and surprise me! He has never done that before...ever..not even for momma. They really ahve their hopes up...u noe,with spm coming up...Me going all confident bout doing medicine(i used to be at least)...See whats going on? They..no EVERYONE thinks im perfect...that im doing fine...that im in control..Hell you're wrong, you're all wrong...Cant you see?..im hiding away from myself..like today, i told momma i wanted to miss school to study at home..i intended to...but then after 2 hrs, ithe food got to me...i started eating....tv turned on...i didnt stop...till now..n here i am, in front of the computer...blogging out my screwed up thoughts...im too sick to go thru that self help book again...got loadz of it at home...read thru it all...but no help in sight.. So where am i going?

u tell me...

Say something....

Falling into that all too familiar pit
again,
Dashing away into my comfort zone,
again,
Ive been running away...
but here i am
again,
So is this good?
I ask..cuz im hanging
I cant connect with these colors i see..
I cant hear my music no more...
im letting go
again?
No ,NOT GIVING UP
gosh i wish i knew where im going
what im doing
This pain i feel...am i supposed to get up?
After this is over, am i supposed to pick up the pieces..
believe that im renewed once more,
lie...
again
And see hope when its not there
See myself, the truth ive regained
loose it again, i fall
into this all too familiar pit...
again.

Im back!

Its been ages since i've posted a blog....Was a little lost. I mean, i didnt know what do i write about..where do i start, where do i end. I think i was kinda scared,scared to sit and think, face the truth that i dont have much time. (dont worry, im not going to die *touch wood* or anything) Its just that i cant keep indulging in my own tangled up thoughts, i have to stop getting stuck..something in me is starting to voice out..my heart is not LOST. Im alright....

Well, see right now, things have cleared out a little..and im beginning to see 'me'..as in begin to regain the sense of certainity of life. Not merely shuffling through my days feeling lost and hopeless.. God,im glad those days are finally over..thank you.The school break is here...6 weeks away fom school..TIME TO GET MY ACT TOGETHER.. Begun to relax a little. Before this, i couldn't even breath easy.. God knows why.. I just began torealise it the week after my final exams.. I got so worked up for it..so tensed and i thought that things will return back to normal after they were over. Haha..i was wrong alright..my heart kept beating real fast...throughout the week, it kept jumping. I was still restless... And that was when i realised that i may have pushed it a littletoo far.. I guess i was afraid of change. I wasnt even feeling like myself in the first place. I didnt want that to distract me from everything...I didnt want my marks to go down. Before, i remember the sort of attachment i had with my books, with myself....im not being self cntered here. I just didnt really have much friends that were in the same track as me. They're different.. Only had my dearest Kugan..Prianka, Heva, Jayapriya, Kishur...Florence..they were people that i was comfy with. I guess they never really judged me. Most of all, these guys respect me for who i am...They never did push me away..
Next year, they aint gonna be around anymore...

The last day of school..16th of november. I made a decision.. C, usually, on the last day, my friends and i go out for lunch before heding home..its special and i've been going out for these 'farewell lunches' with two of my best friends; Ash and Nesha since form 1..Last year, we'e lost touch with each other..can you beleive it? we were still in the same school bt we drifted away(heck,ash sat rite next to me in class this whole year but we barely talked!!..it was my fault) Last year, we didnt go out for our lunch....Well actually, we didnt go out for lunch together..i went out with my classmates and they went out with theirs...the twisted part was the fact that we were sitting in the same restaurant..and our tables were next to each other! I thought that maybe things had changed..the last three months of school, we strugled to stay together..we all tried to stay close but they semed to have a new different circle of friends...one which i was not a part of...and i was really busy with the english drama...got really close to the drama team..too much ws happening and PMR was around the corner.. We gave up on it.. time to move on? But that last week of school, i realised that maybe, just maybe we were wrong. So i asked them out for lunch...On friday, we went out and boy we realised that we missed each other ALOT. I missed them..they still know me so well! I felt secure again.. This part of me that was numb all this while breathed..and for once i was relaxed! I finally could breathe easy...

Well, thats the only updates for now..oh yea! Ive invited Kugan, Prianka, Heva. Kishur. jayapriya and florence to create a team log so that we wouldnt lose touch with each other... hope it works! Gonna miss seeing them around in school...

Feelin heavy and i don't know why....

.....why do i find it hard to breath...well,it may sound too dramatic but the fact is, im giving up... People around me are just so caught up in their own lifes, perspectives...they're fake.. And i feel so lost here that i'm suffocating..coz i do noe what i want, i who i am n i work hard 4 it. I dun get why everybody else complaints... I'm worn out,fighting the negativity... see..i dun even noe whats d whole point of this post but im still going on..typing..sorry if u don't understand(whoever 'u' is..)

See, i'll put it this way. I've been through enough, gotten hurt, fallen down, n i finally noe how to steer myself away from te darker part of me...I hated the way i was: lazy, too indulgent, living everyday aimlessly...n yeah, i regretted most of what i did n i noe realise the reason i regret what i do is coz i NOE i didnt THINK b4 doing it. If i had listened to the more sturdy part of me, i wouldnt have done some of the things i did a few years back...I'm 16, n i wanna live my life the way i want it to be...i dun wanna regret my choices...i wanna be aware of what i'm doing or where i'm going..but i get discouraged to do so whenmost of them around me r still aimlessly shuffling through their days... I kinda feel guilty too live life to the fulest..and GOD i noe i sholdn't...this sounds really stupid..n i noe,IT IS MY LIFE..SO WHY WORRY BOUT EVERYBODY ELSE?! I just have this lump in me...i've been carrying it around with me for the past 6 months already...Trust me, its not compassion or pitiness towards my peers thats pulling me down...really its not..but the mere fact that people around me are moping around complaining...not living life to its fullest..thats getting to me... I wish i could return to my old self..optimism is being drained out of me n my perspectives are blurred... And mind u, not ALL of them are moping around...i have a couple of them who are doing what they WANT to do ( not what they HAVE to do) n gosh i'm happy for them.... They are able to immerse themselves into heavy facts and books, remember every bit of it and at the same time, enjoy doing it... I miss the times when i could love studying without having people judge me for it..

The main point here basically..well i admit it, i'm a lil cowardly...but i never used to be like this.. Rite now,i wish i could just shut my brain up and instead, just get it to work...procrastination? i dunno...

I beta get going...got loadza homework to do..but i really hope i'll get a grip and wake up before next year...SPM..

Me blogged up..(finally)

Its funny how the past year went past..didnt realise half of it went by till just recently... This year was definitely a wierd one..for me at least.. lost touch with me..with my closest friends..glad they chose to stick by me... thanks kugsi,pri,heva, kish,florflor....



Well, thats why i decided to create a blog..to pace myself..to get connected..well c, im kinda this tension freak..(yup priya..and i suspect im even worst than u..lol..) So i got drifted away with everything...but here i am, im back! not gonna things get the best outta me..



wish i could stay longer..but i guess i gotta go shower..we're eating out tonight..me n my family..so yeah....whatever..